How does acceptance transform us?

In today’s world, rarely is anyone actually listening. Everything is intentionally distracting. Everything clamors for our attention. That makes what should be the “simple” act of listening into something profound.

The results of fully listening are profound and couldn’t be more relevant today in times of immense distractions and a world constantly in a rush: Others feel accepted. They feel heard. They take their own words more seriously. By thinking out loud, they are discovering their own words and, by that, their own true selves.

~ Klaus Motoki Tonn from, Listening as an Act of Hospitality

I’ve encountered the effect countless times. The more I listen, the more it becomes apparent someone is on a journey of self-discovery (right there, in our conversation). The more I implicitly promise not to interrupt them, the more confident their self-exploration becomes. This situation is made all the more special by their not expecting it.

Tonn’s article touches on a number of different things which are interesting about conversation. I was surprised to realize that despite its having several great quotes from famous authors, this bit from Tonn was the part I kept returning to. It sits quietly in the middle of the whole thing, which made it all the more delightful to discover; if I’d only skimmed I’d surely have missed it.

Defiance and acceptance come together well in the following principle: There is always a countermove, always an escape or a way through, so there is no reason to get worked up. No one said it would be easy and, of course, the stakes are high, but the path is there for those ready to take it. This is what we’ve got to do. And we know that it’s going to be tough, maybe even scary.

~ Ryan Holiday

I balked when I first encountered that idea. That’s Holiday’s version, but it’s a basic point in Stoicism generally. There are many, obvious scenarios—scenarios that ordinary people face daily—where I wanted to push back. My misunderstanding lay in the power and depth of the three words, “a way through.” Because that idea is really about pursuing virtue, not outcomes. The opportunity which always exists is to pursue virtue (for example honesty or justice).

As a faint mist settles in among the towering cedar trees (some more than 1,000 years old), our funeral procession slowly ascends Mt Haguro’s stone stairway. It’s summer, but the air here is still cool. When the poet Matsuo Bashō made a similar journey through these holy mountains in 1689, he wrote a haiku describing the summer wind being ‘scented’ with the clearly visible snow of Mt Gassan in the distance. Today, it smells of pine needles and earth.

~ Tim Bunting from, More radical and practical than Stoicism – discover Shugendō

I had the privilege of standing, not in those exact cedars and mountains, but nonetheless in cedars, in mountains, in northern Japan. That day’s journey wasn’t begun intentionally as a pilgrimage. But it sort of ended up being one. It began with a long train ride. Then, a very long walk. Then, a crushing, exhausting, ascent. We had no guide, not even paper; just curiosity and just two of us. At the top—the first top as it turned out—I realized that, if we had wanted to continue, the journey had only just begun. We then made choices about time and commitments to others. I think I accepted a different kind of journey when we set off to return.

My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.

~ Michael J. Fox

There’s a superlative documentary, Still about Fox. I realized he isn’t (and wasn’t) who I thought he was. When I was younger, I didn’t see all that he was hiding, and I misunderstood who he was.

In a word, Senecan joy comes from within, from a good person’s own character and conduct: it arises from goodness itself and from right actions that one performs. This means that joy will not always be a matter of smiles and laughter, for good actions may be difficult and unpleasant: one may have to accept poverty, endure pain, even die for one’s country. A good person does these things only when they are right, and only for that reason, but the doing is itself a good and a reason to rejoice.

~ Margaret Graver and A. A. Long from Letters on Ethics

I don’t understand how we got to the common definition of “stoic”—the suppression of emotions. It’s a shame, because Stoicism is literally the opposite of suppressing one’s emotions. Emotions and reason have their right place. Stoic joy.

If we can accept the idea that all real change is a shift in narrative—a new story as opposed to the received dominant story—then the function of citizenship, or leadership, is to invite a new narrative into existence. Narrative begins with a ride on the wave of conversation. For greatest effect, we need a new conversation with people we are not used to talking to.

~ Peter Block

I feel it’d be more accurate to say that real change requires (rather than “is”) a shift in narrative. But perhaps I’m just being a grammarian? Because the sentiment remains the same: First, that change in narrative shifts our beliefs, and then our new actions follow naturally.

[Connection] also means that you could be connected to the people who have been practicing this before you. Whether you’ve learned from the Yamakasi or somebody else, you can acknowledge that. You can appreciate what you’ve received from them. And there’s also connection with the people who will come after you. Because—sorry to deliver the news—but you won’t be there forever and you won’t be coaching forever if you’re a coach. And you won’t be moving in the same way forever, and you don’t know when you’re going to see it.

~ Vincent Thibault, from Communication with Vincent Thibault

Vincent is a dedicated Buddhist practitioner, who I know through our shared love of movement, specifically L’Art du Déplacement. In that conversation we didn’t start with a specific destination in mind. Instead, our mutual listening led us to wonder about the connections between movement as a language, mindfulness, and personal development. In hindsight, I can see we talked a lot about acceptance.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

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