How can one find peace and balance in a life perpetually filled with self-imposed tasks and external demands?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: “I have more things to do, than I can possibly ever finish.”

Decades ago I wore, “I’m busy!” as a badge of honor. I proudly rushed in to help. I was thinking it was terrific to be seen as a savior. (I’ll point out I’ve mentioned the Karpman drama triangle in three previous issues.) In reality, I now see I created most of the drama I was rushing in to help with; making me more often than not, an asshole looking for credit for cleaning up a mess I made.

This is why I don’t like a lot of the hustle porn and grind culture that entrepreneurs and influencers try to sell young people. It’s not healthy. In private, it’s not glamorous. It doesn’t lead to anyone’s best work. In fact, it usually prevents people from doing their best work.

~ Ryan Holiday, from Please Don’t Do This To Yourself

I’m comfortably beyond thinking “busy” is a badge of honor. You’ll not hear me saying, “I’m busy.” You won’t find me rushing or harried. On the other hand, you might hear me say something like: “I don’t have the time to do that justice, so I’ll clearly say no, now,” or something like: “Unfortunately, that’s not a priority for me. But thank you for thinking of me.”

Every time people contact me, they say, “look, I know you must be incredibly busy…” and I always think, “no, I’m not.” Because I’m in control of my time. I’m on top of it. “Busy,” to me, seems to imply, “out of control.” Like, “oh my god, I’m so busy. I don’t have any time for this shit!” To me, that sounds like a person who’s got no control over their life.

~ Derek Sivers

Sivers has it exactly right. His insight—that I was a person who had no control over my life—was spot on.

Past tense now though, because slowly I became a master of boundaries. I became a master of thinking things through: If I say yes to this request, what does that really entail? In other words, I’ve gotten really good at saying no to other people. I say ‘no’ appropriately, politely, and while actually meaning the softening parts I include.

But it just keeps happening. Five minutes late to everything. Too much on the calendar, too many curveballs. You are in a constant state of stress, and this is where I will stop us for a second to state the obvious. There are leadership types who believe this level of busy is correct. They believe a key part of the job is this level of stress and scurrying hither and fro. Some humans find a modicum of pride in this state.

~ Rands, from Late Again

Rands also has it right. Me? I’m not late. I’m not hurried. I don’t even appear to be a “busy” person. Still, even with my kung fu no-thank-yous, and my wow-thanks-but-nos, and my demarcated, delineated and defended boundaries: I have more things to do, than I can possibly ever finish.

Useless to possess an obedient mind unless one profits to the furthest possible degree by its obedience. A prolonged primary course of study is indicated. Now as to what this course of study should be there cannot be any question; there never has been any question. All the sensible people of all ages are agreed upon it. And it is not literature, nor is it any other art, nor is it history, nor is it any science. It is the study of one’s self. man, know thyself.

~ Arnold Bennett

In the last ten years (journaling for the win) I have been engaged in a slow, gentle struggle. Every bit of space I claimed, through my improved boundaries and priorities, still disappeared.

Everyone’s life comes to an end. And all around us, you and me, our life will come to an end. You will stop being a journalist and you will die. So what can I tell you? We’re all going to come to the same fate. So you just keep going while you can, doing what you like. So I am just the same as everybody else.

~ Mick Jagger, from Mick Jagger

My wonderful and mysterious mind, if given the slightest opening, will soon think of something amazing that I must then do. (It also thinks of countless other ideas which I do easily reject out of hand.) In those ten years of gentle struggle without, I’ve also been tightening the screws on my imagineering mind within. Yet here I remain, stressing out over things that I’ve self-assigned.

When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest.

~ unknown

And so it is that I find myself, between a rock and a hard place: The current situation—”the rock”—is untenable. I’ve tried to make “the rock” more comfortable: Say no to myself more. Work harder. Work smarter. Refine my sense of what I should work on. I’ve tried everything. It’s time to accept the “hard place.”

What if, alongside scheduling appointments, meetings, and social events in your calendar, you started to allocate specific times just to be by yourself – to enjoy solitude? I propose this thought experiment because, for many people I have talked to, solitude happens only as a happy (or unwelcome) accident. It’s the same for me: my calendar is filled with meetings and social engagements with colleagues and friends. Until recently, I rarely safeguarded my solitary time in the same way.

~ Thuy-vy Nguyen, from Solitude can be profoundly restorative…

It’s time I accept the terrifying alternative: There’s no need to change anything. I can simply be comfortable with the way I am.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

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